BEYOND DESPISING NIXON

No doubt there are countless other forms of fun to be had at every bank in the world, because let's face it, what are banks for, if not for good times? My own bank entertainment, though, is necessarily confined to Japan, since that's where I live, so you folks in other countries, you just write your own good-time banking stories, OK?

Anyway, after receiving my annual telephone-book size package of tax forms from the internationally beloved IRS, and having to wait my turn for my accountant's services since he was busy avoiding his own US taxes, I was anticipating a lot of fun at the bank in Osaka where I had to go to get a cashier's check in US dollars as a sort of deposit in good faith on my US taxes, which ever since the despised Nixon are required even of expatriates earning no income in the US, which amounts to dual taxation on one income, and made typical sense to Nixon.

So I go to the bank in Osaka where I have an account and go downstairs to the foreign currency section and take a number, and after waiting the appropriate amount of time in that old spirit of banking joie de vivre, I finally get to a window where I ask for a cashier's check for 500 US dollars, down there in the foreign currency section of the biggest bank in Japan in a city with maybe 2% of the global GNP in the second richest country in the world and the teller says I'm sorry but WE DON'T ISSUE CHECKS IN FOREIGN CURRENCIES HERE!

I say, heel of hand pounding side of head, Excuse me, have I lost my ability to read English, doesn't that sign up there say "FOREIGN CURRENCY"? I thought so. But maybe I didn't hear you right, did you say you "DON'T ISSUE CHECKS IN FOREIGN CURRENCIES HERE," IN THE FOREIGN CURRENCY SECTION OF THE BIGGEST BANK IN JAPAN IN A CITY WITH MAYBE 2% OF THE GLOBAL GNP IN THE SECOND RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD AND A DOLLAR TRADE IMBALANCE THAT HAS BEEN A SCANDAL FOR DECADES???????

She says Yes that's right. I say Well that makes a lot of sense, where's the closest place I can get a check in US dollars, Micronesia? She says Why no, you don't have to go that far, you can just go a couple of streets over, to our competitor; they issue such checks. I say, my head looking left and right over and over again to make sure I'm in the same place I was a second ago and this isn't some kind of LSD flashback, Did I hear you right are you advising me to GO TO YOUR COMPETITOR TO GET MY CHECK IN DOLLARS ?????? She says Yes, so I did, and what can I say, it was just more banking fun!

At the competitor's I take another number, it's so much fun sitting in a bank waiting, then when at last my number is up and I finally get to a window I spend about a half an hour filling out every form on the counter, fun in triplicate, then pay through the nose to get the check, which I then send to the henchmen of the thankfully late Nixon. And then as it turns out I don't have to pay any US taxes, thanks to the Nixonic maneuverings of my accountant (for a very hefty fee); this has all been just for fun; so not long after, a check for 500 dollars comes back to me from the richest country in the world, and the check is greenback green and has the Statue of Liberty on it and enough fancy lettering and engraving and things to make it the very Abraham Lincoln of cash, not to mention that it's a check from THE TREASURY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, which it says right on the top, and is endorsed by THE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

So one day when I'm in the neighborhood of the competing bank where I'd been sent to get the original dollar check, I figure I'll have some more banking fun and cash this one so I go down there to that foreign currency section in the basement and after taking a number and going through all the usual immobility I finally get to go to a window, where say I'd like to cash this dollar check from THE TREASURY OF THE UNITED STATES into yen and the woman there, where as I say I'd gotten the original check from yen into dollars, and paid big yen for the privilege, the woman there says WE DONT CASH CHECKS IN FOREIGN CURRENCIES HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I say, same heel of hand pounding same side of head, Excuse me, have I lost my ability to read English, doesn't that sign up there say "FOREIGN CURRENCY"? I thought so. But maybe I didn't hear you right, did you who gave me the original check in US dollars just say you DONT CASH CHECKS IN FOREIGN CURRENCIES HERE??????? Pushing away my eyeballs, she says That's right (like it's the most natural and obvious thing in the world, like if you owned a bank like this wouldn't you do the same thing well yes I guess so, I mean where else could we have so much fun playing lords and peasants??).

I say well if I can't cash here this check the dollars for which I originally got here, where's the nearest place I can cash it, Tierra Del Fuego?????? She says oh, no, you don't have to go that far! (They're so polite, these Japanese bank people, and no sense of irony, an essential quality in the banking business.) She says You have to GO TO OUR COMPETITORS TO CASH YOUR DOLLAR CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I say Did I hear you right, are you advising me to GO TO YOUR COMPETITORS TO CASH A DOLLAR-DENOMINATED CHECK INTO YEN THAT YOU ORIGINALLY GAVE ME THE DOLLAR CHECK FOR AFTER YOUR COMPETITORS SENT ME TO YOU BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T GIVE ME A DOLLAR CHECK???????????? She says yes, so I do, I like to have as much fun as the next guy, I walk over to my bank, the one I went to way back in the first first first place, go downstairs into the foreign currency section and take a number.

When at last my number is called, I rise and shuffle up to the window, where I say I'd like to cash this dollar check from THE TREASURY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, ENDORSED BY THE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, into yen. She says Sure. I say Did you say Sure? She says Yes, but please pay me a large amount of money first. Banking fun is expensive, I sit there thinking. She says In cash. I say Aren't you just going to take it out of the check? She laughs that kind of laugh that dukes used to laugh when emaciated serfs fell dead on their doorstep, and says no, you have to pay cash, so I pay her, and then jump feet first, you know that ecstatic banking feeling, into the fun of filling out a barrelful of the same kind of forms, only the reverse this time of all the ones I'd filled out along the way here, and when it's all done I hold out my hand for the cash from the check and she says The money will be deposited in your account in approximately one month, and I say WOW!!!!! THAT'S PRETTY FAST AFTER PAYING A LARGE AMOUNT IN CASH IN THE FOREIGN CURRENCY SECTION OF THE BIGGEST BANK IN JAPAN IN A CITY WITH MAYBE 2% OF THE GLOBAL GNP IN THE SECOND RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD AND THE BIGGEST DOLLAR TRADE IMBALANCE IN HISTORY FOR A CHECK FROM THE TREASURY OF THE RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I haven't had that much banking fun since, though that annual ten-pound Nixon tax form should be arriving any day now.