TEN EASY STEPS TO A RICH VARIETY OF LIFELONG ILLNESSES FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, AND A LAMBORGHINI FOR YOUR DOCTOR

1. Eat only refined foods; who needs nutrients?
2. Max out on junk food (refined food with a vengeance).
3. Eat as much meat and dairy as possible. Red meat and milk at every meal is good.
4. Drink as much coffee as you can, to maintain complete digestive panic.
5. Smoke as often as possible, so as to keep the entire body optimally toxic.
6. Get a stressful job, preferably seated all day amidst electronics.
7. Fill up on horror from news and media of all kinds, with potato chips and soda.
8. Live in a teeming metropolis, preferably industrial; avoid walking.
9. Scoff at organic foods, vegetarianism and nutritional supplements.
10. Take all the drugs and treatments the entire medical industry offers. (Remember: your doctor knows more than your body does.)

Start the kids early in the 10-step program. Any one of these steps alone will do the job, but will lead only to lower degrees of illness and disability, and the next thing you know the poor doc will have to drive a Honda Civic or something. Of course you can always mix and match, depending on your situation. Not everyone can have an optimally stressful job, for example; so if, say, you have a job planting flowers, you might want to double up on the red meat, drink more milk, augment the coffee, add a pack a day, that kind of thing. You can find a way around these little curves life may throw at you, and maybe at the same time toss in some new tires for the doc's Lambo.