Tuesday, September 09, 2008


HOW TO GET OUT OF BED


More precisely, that title should read How to Get Out of Bed if You Can't Use Your Left Torsal Muscles (as for example following the impact of one's left side upon just about any highway), but that somehow lacks the titular snap I'm looking for.

In any case, this is just a brief reflection upon one of the infinite pathways there are in life, and how willing (or driven) the body is, in whatever situation, to seek and find such pathways as in the present instance, in which I offer the necessary instructions (as determined by painstaking independent research) on how under such circumstances to get out of bed with the least pain, and I thought that this little procedural recipe for achieving verticality at the start of a day, and so many times later, without the use of pulleys and levers or prestidigitation of any kind, might be of use to others with cracked ribs, or any combination of injuries from whatever cause that requires them to get out of bed without using the muscles on the left side of their torsos. For those with right-handed injuries, simply mirror the procedure.

First, while lying flat on your back and steeling yourself (by now your natural position and attitude), hook your right leg under the bedframe and, after locking your right hand behind your right knee for maximum leg/forearm comboflexpower, dig your right elbow straight down into the mattress for purchase. When ready, straighten your left leg and swing it outward into the air at a 45 degree angle from the side of the bed; this begins to lift you up, hinging you on your right elbow. You add to the impetus by tweaking the angles of height and extension of the left leg while pullpushing yourself upward with your right arm as you swing your left leg further out toward 90 degrees, your body tilting further upright, push-hinging still on the right elbow, until you achieve that formerly familiar state of verticality, all with a minimum of left torsal effort, and just a gnash and gasp or two.

Now comes the remainder of the day, and all the blessed morrows.


6 comments:

Gina said...

Make sure you have the instructions at hand once you need them!!
Gina from Germany

ShortWoman said...

I do wish you a speedy and full recovery.

June Calender said...

I can relate and empathize completely. A couple of years ago I broke a hip upon arrival at Shangri-la [yes, the Chinese now have a town of that name]. Getting in and out of bed was, for a while, a process with parallels. Best wishes for a quick and complete recovery, it will happen. I'm glad it doesn't interfere with your blogging ability because I enjoy our blog very much.

Bob Brady said...

Thank you for your best wishes, they seem to be working; this morning I was lifting pipe in the garden with and arm and 3/4!

Mary Lou said...

Sounds like me when I was 10 1/2 months pregnant with my son! I always felt like an over turned turtle.

Tabor said...

Just remember that the older you are the longer it takes to heal. Be patient with that old body that has gotten you this far.