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THE RAIN IN SPAIN FALLS MAINLY IN JAPAN

The Land of the Rising Sun it used to be called, before an unknown 500,000-year weather cycle (or maybe global warming, as hypothesized a couple weeks ago) brought all the rain here. An extremely distant rumor has it that the Japanese government will soon be busy designing a new flag, to more accurately depict the newly primary characteristic of the nation: a dense rain cloud right where the sun is on the old flag, with steady rain streaking down like water lasers. The sun is now largely a memory in these parts, though it's still visible on the flag. In June, July and August this year we've had maybe half a dozen of the kind of days that a liberal and Japanophilic weatherman, if gotten drunk and generously bribed, might, with a bit of hedging, call sunny. Swimming? Just jump outside and stroke away. Lake? Who needs a lake when the air is an ocean? Guy just went by on a low altitude jet ski. Surfers hang ten on cloud curls. Birds fly like fish swim. People are all pruny looking, like they just got out of the bath; and the insult "Go jump in the lake" has lost all meaning, because you can't tell the difference if you do.