Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Holiday, Schmoliday

Science has informed us officially, just in time for Christmas, that sometime in the next few hours or later the universe will collapse and everyone will die. That's the tabloid version. In hypothetical reality, everything in the universe will become heavier than it is now, as already evidenced in the tons of fad diets that are as everywhere as articles on cellulite, to say nothing of what we personally are actually seeing even now at our very waistlines.

To be more hypothetically specific, and to give you all a heads-up on this, everything in the universe will become billions and billions of times heavier than it is now (so there's really no point in letting out those pants) and everything will be compressed into superheavy and superhot balls (as presciently sung of by Jerry Lee Lewis, back in the fifties) that roll around heaven all day, and the universe will cease to exist-- at least in the form familiar to our world. Which, if you look at what we're doing to the place, may not turn out to be all that much of a change. 

Those scientists' humongous guesses may be just as right as the next guy's, but the labcoat denizens seem to have no sense of propriety as to this actual moment in the time and space continuum. 


Deb said...

This is extremely disheartening, as I have (after several years of trying) lost an entire ounce. Now you're telling me that at some not-yet-determined-but-definitely-almost-certainly-within-the-lifetime-of-this-universe I am going to weigh several tonnes and even the XL Lulu Lemon size yoga pants for ample yogateers will not fit?

I could have done without this news just before Christmas. Have you never heard that silence is 9/10ths virtue and 4/5ths rum punch? Wait, that's the wrong...the pages of this cookbook are stuck together from the last time I made hot balls of fire. I need a drink and a map of the universe. I'm looking for a spot with less atmosphere and nicer physics.

Robert Brady said...

Sorry, Deb, to be the conveyor of badly timed bad news, but I thought folks should know before they weigh too much...
Soon we may all outweigh lead, but at least you've lost an ounce in advance; I should lose my first gram soon, after months of my donut-hole diet.
"I need a drink and a map of the universe" should be on several giant monuments so all can see it daily.
Let me know if you come across any decent alternative physics...