JAPAN GLUTTED WITH PURELY SCIENTIFIC WHALE MEAT

Japan's absolutely scientific whale research, which necessitates the epistemological slaughter of the imperiled creatures (like that general in Vietnam who saved that no longer extant village) has resulted in a whale meat glut.

Strictly out of concern for the welfare of their traditional cetacean friends, the Japanese researchers now have more totally scientific whale meat on the market than Japanese consumers are willing to consume for purely academic purposes.

Absolutely scientific whale meat prices are plunging. Gotta put the research results somewhere. Like pet food. The resulting – but completely scientific - desperation has led the eco-focused researchers to promote the consumption of utterly scientific whale meat in school lunches, a captive audience if there ever was one:

"Nutritionists have even developed child-friendly whale dishes, including whale meatballs, hamburgers and whale spaghetti bolognese, said Tetsuji Sawada of Wakayama's education board." (Can whalemeat ice cream be far behind?)

The kids can't turn that down. Especially the science majors.

"Even if we capture 2,000 whales a year for 100 years, it's OK because whale numbers are growing," says the strictly educational pamphlet Delicious Whales, distributed by the government-affiliated Japan Whaling Association. (‘Capture’ is the scientific term for ‘kill.’)

And the whale researchers just came up with that new superslaughtering grenade harpoon too. Reality just won't give some knowledge-starved scientists a break.