Wednesday, July 11, 2007


This morning I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom when I heard Echo shout from the kitchen: "Near home cheesing na barben!!" I yelled "What?" and she said the same thing again. I turned off the water, stopped brushing my teeth and yelled again. She replied: "There are monkeys in the garden!"

Echo has no trouble getting monkeys out of the garden, but when I'm home she defers to me for the simian strong-arming. Somehow the monkeys knew I was brushing my teeth; they're onto the finer points of my schedule and have updated their Blueberries. So I yelled "Flow gum stow gnat femme!" Echo said "What?" I emptied my mouth of brush and foam and yelled: "Throw some stones at them!" (From our arsenal thereof, conveniently assault-ready on the deck railing.)

Moments later I heard the whiz of stones through garden vegetation, accompanied by shouted superior-feminine Japanese impolitenesses regarding the simian species in general, these individuals in particular. Echo doesn't get totally simian on their asses like I do, though; English has much more depth and potency in that regard.

Turned out it was just a traveling family of three: dad, mom and junior on a day trip through what was once their Eden until I bought my piece of it from other humans, the little tyke climbing my trees and just gamboling and hanging out while the grownups did the marauding, but in this garden there was nothing maraudable left; mom just wandered aimlessly around doing the simian version of tsk-tsk, while dad just sat there in the middle, gazing at where his onions should have been, scratching his head and wondering what the hell happened to his tomatoes. And the chard—someone had terrible manners, just bit it off at the stalk! Not even a bean leaf to be had, what is the world coming to? Then to top it off there were stones in the air.

I felt no sympathy, of course, and even better, now the monkeys are wandering the mountainside trying to memorize the new stone-bringing phrase "Near home cheesing na barben!!"

Satisfaction can take amazingly diverse forms.


Kathryn said...

Monkeys! And I thought my gnats were a problem.

Bob Brady said...

Gnats, I'll trade monkeys for gnats, just say the word...