FOREST TRASH

It was clearly a crude simian that invaded my garden briefly on Friday while I was at the office, as I discovered on Saturday morning; so very unlike the sophisticated Littlefoot, who purloins so neatly and considerately.

Judging from the vegetoforensic results I obtained in the aftermath, this hairy clod pulled up a baby carrot, just looked at it, threw it on the ground saying I don't want little carrots, I want big carrots, don't you know who I am, then did it again and again until there were no more upsetting carrots in the ground, they were now all over the place uneaten, then he spotted a largish green tomato in there among lush tomato vines, pulled apart the vines, grabbed the tomato, ripped it off the vine and broke other vines too this way and that, looked at and bit the tomato, threw it on the ground at his feet and said ptah, I don't want a hard, green tomato, I want a juicy, red tomato didn't anybody know I was coming, this garden sucks, where are the tomatoes and carrots I deserve, somebody better do something about this, and tore up some more tomato vines, threw them around, crudely elbowed the tall, slim and unoffending sunflowers aside while coming and going, like he was using a Tokyo subway or something, crassly leaving the innocent flowers toppled in situ-- no class, no sense of order or discipline, no concept of neatness, no pride in one's species and culture-- so unlike the elegant thief Littlefoot, the Cary Grant of simians.

This was just a lowlife, uncultured simian brigand, gaucher than you can get even in Hollywood-- what some apes call forest trash. Or so I hear.