Saturday, July 04, 2009

From the archives--


With all the tremendous scientific advances that have been raining down on us lately it won't be long before the men in the white coats come to ring my doorbell and offer me immortality in exchange for 50% of my lifetime earnings, which is more economical than my current health plan, but what shall I tell them, shall I say yes or no or that I need some time to think about it, time is what it's all about, they'll say.

I'll have a few questions, what about the end of the world for example, does this cover that, will I have to stay 57 forever and does this include dental work, but perhaps even more importantly, is immortality retroactive? If so, and if I choose to be, say, immortally 25, that wouldn't be much different from the immortality I recall feeling when I actually was 25, so not much gain there; on the other hand, my earnings would be much less at that age, ergo so would my immortality payments, would that be OK?

In fact, when I was 25 I was bumming around earning zilch, as we used to say, enjoying life as only the immortally hardwired ignorance of that transient age allows, but do I want to be there, innocent, footloose and penniless forever, I'd sure as hell rather not get back into that tangle with Virginia and her sister again, and all so angst-ridden-- I've mellowed quite a bit over subsequent decades, I must say-- survival and subsequence are quite nice, actually, so---no, definitely not 25.

But can I get quality subsequence out of being 57 for a thousand years, let alone forever? And what about my pension? Imagine the bill for reading glasses! Will I have this twinge forever that I get in cold weather? And what about cold weather, will there forever be cold weather? Even minimal utilities would add up to quite a sum over just the first millennium, and no doubt I'd have to keep this job, and commute forever, to pay for the kids' eternity in college...

On second thought, I think I'll just go to heaven.

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