APOCALYPSE NOT

I was going to go out and do some gardening this morning, maybe clean the rain gutters in anticipation of rainy season but then I remembered the world is going to end today.

Apocalypses happen here first of course, where the days begin, so I figured I might as well go buy a big soft couch and a few six packs, some cigars and potato chips, nachos, Oreos, ice cream, chocolate - my inner list is long - then make some pies and brownies, lots of different kinds of cookies as the end unfolds (cherry pie!), with some acid rock blasting to drown out the sound of the crumbling earth and the roar of the rising seas, not to mention the crackling of eternal fires drawing nearer and nearer for those not qualified to be raptured or whatever the silly term is; no, I would definitely (and gladly!) be among  the folks left behind who always took care of their own damn raptures (dance on yr own 2 feet for godsake), so I'd just invite my friends and spend the final day porking out and getting wasted (apocalypses make you feel like you're 20 years old again).

But then I remembered that all this folderol had come from a topically insane individual who'd been wrong about the previous apocalypse because he'd forgotten to read Jeremiah among other things (fancy forgetting to read Jeremiah in this day and age!), so he recalculated the whole thing for several years, on a generous emolument, based on the length of Noah's nose and a few other cryptobiblical dimensions to which only those with that bovine look have access, so I looked in the mirror and didn't have that look, couldn't even dredge it up, really - not that I want to, who wants to betray their natural birthright this late in life - so I just went out into heaven and did some gardening; later, maybe tomorrow (inyerface, Harold), I'll clean the rain gutters here in paradise.

 As for now, I'll just put my big list right where I can find it in case there ever is an apocalypse worth my time...