GALL BLADDER SOLILOQUY

No doubt the blogosphere is on tenterhooks (interesting word, that) regarding how at my age I am so quickly overcoming the insidious attack of the giant gall bladder without resorting to physicians or hospitals, surgery or conventional drugs.

My progress toward normalcy is thanks in no small part to a strict M&Mless diet (no Snickers either, though I still steal a cookie or two when Echo isn't looking) along with the usual vitamin/antioxidant supplements, but the main factor in my turnaround is the big gun that Echo dragged out of her cornucopia of alternative therapies, an ancient Chinese panacea: a horse-pill-sized ball covered in genuine gold leaf that costs 30 dollars a pop and consists largely of cow gallstone. Did you know that only one in 2000 cows has a gallstone? You learn something new every illness.

On the first day of the attack of the bladder from another galaxy, Echo took one of these golden cherry bombs out of its special box and wrapper and cut it into four pieces; I was to take one piece after each meal (she has a supply of them for medical emergencies). It looks and tastes like a chewy gold-plated caramel containing licorice, ginseng, powdered deerhorn etc., with the scent-flavor of exquisite temple incense, a bizarrely sensual combo that right away takes your mind off of any illness you might have had in what just a moment ago was your entire body, and has your very existence puzzled in your mouth.

After taking it I couldn't exactly pitch 100mph fastballs while rehearsing Riverdance, but why quibble? It was close enough for someone my age. Soon I'll be 25 years old again. On second thought, I think I'll just go back to when I could still eat M&Ms.