Monday, April 20, 2009


PLAN D


The monkeys are doomed. Not doomed in the same way as, say, the US dollar, but doomed relative to their success at enjoying my onions ever again. In that sense, they are freaking doomed. Which is fine with me.

Sympathetic but monkeyless readers may recall my most recent attempt to thwart the hairy brigands' lust for my vegetal equity, which attempt met with some success in that it made the monkeys work a bit harder for their free banquet at my expense. However, I have no wish to be a comprehensive monkey charity for the rest of my life; hence Plan D. (After Plan Z, I go alphanumeric, then on into hyphenation.)

My experience with Plan C got me to thinking, though, which is occasionally good. While considering solutions involving electricity, explosives, lasers etc., but preferring to try simpler and cheaper solutions first, I came up with the thought that if I could somehow extend the upper reach of the net beyond the poles and attach it to some kind of flexible rod, placed so as to bend slightly outward, it would then be impossible, would it not, for the monkeys to climb over the net... The more I thought about it, the more plausible it seemed, plausibility generally being like that box in the corner that could contain a million dollars.

The rods would have to be pliable, strong and not bend permanently, like wire. I searched for whatever it might be, but no luck-- I appeared to be the only one around here in quest of such a thing. Then a monkeyless but sympathetic friend found this on the net:

As you will observe, the plan fits my scheme perfectly. Someone else has not only already been there, monkeywise, they have produced the device! The dansei (flexible) pole, or Danpole! As you see, it does the job I imagined, leading the unsuspecting monkeys to fall some distance onto their heads. The sight pleases me.

The trouble is, the farmstores around here neither have nor have ever heard of such poles, though the stores deal with manymonkeyed farmers. Go figure.

As a side note, to show you what an uphill fight this all is, during my research for Plan D I came across this sickeningly biased news item on the net:

"But while their unique lifestyle has brought fame, the rest of Japan's snow monkeys lead very different lives, enduring incredible hardships as they fight for survival in their beautiful but unforgiving mountain home." Poor little hairy marauders. "Fight for survival" my turnips. "Unforgiving" my onions.

How about: "But while Brady's hard-won lifestyle has as a result of red-faced simian brigandage brought him no onions or turnips, to say nothing of pumpkins or cucumbers, he persists in seeking to lead a different and more fruitful life, enduring incredible hardships as he fights for survival in his beautiful but unforgiving mountain home." That's way closer to reality, if you ask me.

Hey you traitorous reporters, about a little sympathy for members of your own species, huh? Anyway, Plan D goes into effect as soon as I can get those Danpoles. Then those monkeys are way doomed, no matter what some well-onioned reporter says.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Best Wishes for your Plan D!
Can't wait to hear if it works.

Cynthia

Alice said...

Having lived in Las Vegas for more hot summers than I care to remember, shall we bet on it?

ShortWoman said...

I am also looking forward to the results of Plan D.

Of course I've given up trying to grow anything more complicated than Rosemary in Vegas.

Tabor said...

we accidentally left the gate to the deer fence open last night. No damage, but the biggest failure in any plan is the planner.

Todd said...

I wonder if old fishing rods, or some of the fiberglass poles from a dome tent would do in a pinch?

Bob Brady said...

Todd, bet they would, being curved and all, likely they'd be just the thing, but I don't fish and I want my tent...